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Click on a fishing joke or just scroll down
through the jokes. There are fishing jokes and a few non fishing jokes
An
Englishman was stopped by a game warden in Australia
Two
Irishmen were walking down the street with two salmon
I didn't see you
in church last Sunday, Nigel
"What's the biggest fish
you ever caught?"
There were three preachers: a Catholic, a Baptist, and a rabbi.
A keen country
lad applied for a salesman's job
A man
phones home from the office and tells his wife
The manager of a small business and his secretary decided to
An Irish priest loved to fly
fish
No
one in this town could catch any fish except this one man
One day a rather
inebriated ice fisherman
A priest
was walking along the cliffs at Dover when
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is
One day, two
guys Joe and Bob were out fishing.
A young man
and an old man were fishing on a pier.
While out Sports Fishing in Australia, a tourist capsized his boat
A couple goes on
vacation to a fishing resort
Why Fishing is better than Sex
An Englishman was stopped by a game
warden in Australia recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well
known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a
license to catch those fish?"
The Englishman replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet
fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let
them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their
buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The Englishman looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said,
"Here, I'll show you. It really works."
The game warden was curious now. "Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The man
poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After several
minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said: "Well?"
"Well, What?" the Englishman responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked
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Two Irishmen were walking down the street with two salmon each under their
arms.
Two other Irishmen walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky
fishermen and ask " how did you catch those ?"
Well its like this! Michael here holds my legs over the bridge, and I grab
the salmon as they swim up the river. We got four salmon A great days
fishing!
So the fishless pair look at each other and agree to give it a try.
They get to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend "hold my legs now
Paddy".
Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when he suddenly
cries.. "pull me up, pull me up!!"
Paddy asks " do you have a fish Sean?"............
No replies Sean, "there's a bloody train coming!!!!!!!!"
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"I didn't see you in church last Sunday, Nigel. I
hear you were out playing football instead."
"That's not true, vicar. And I've got the fish to prove it!"
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"What's the biggest fish you ever caught?"
"That would be the one that measured fourteen inches...."
"That's not so big!"
"Between the eyes?"
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There were three preachers: a Catholic, a Baptist,
and a rabbi. They are all fishing out in the lake when all of a sudden the
Baptist has to go to the bathroom. So he gets up and walks across the
water, does his business, and comes back. Then all of a sudden the rabbi
has to go, so he gets up and walks across the water, does his business,
and comes back.
Then the Catholic has to go, but when he gets out he falls into the water,
so he swims back, gets back into the boat, looks up, and says, ''God, let
me walk across the water.'' Then he tries again and falls into the water,
so he swims back, tries again and he falls again.
The Baptist leans over to the rabbi and says, ''Do you think we should
tell him where the stepping stones are?''
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A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department
store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get
anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman
before?"
Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut
of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we
close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but 5 o'clock finally came
around.
The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make
today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
Flabbergasted the boss asked,
"How did you manage that?".
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him
a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where
he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat
department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines.
Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I
took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that
to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his
wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."
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A man phones home from the office and tells his
wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a
week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime.
We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and
especially my blue silk pyjamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"
"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas."
"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box.
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The manager of a small business and his secretary decided to go over to
her place for some "gymnastics". Afterwards, they both fall asleep
When the manager wakes up and looks at his watch, he discovers that it is
after 8 o'clock in the evening.
He jumps up in a panic wondering what he's going to say to his wife. He
tells the secretary to quickly take his shoes out into the yard and rub
them around in the grass. Then he finishes dressing and goes home.
When the man opens the door to the house, his wife is standing in the
doorway fuming and asks him where the hell he's been until 8:30 in the
evening?
The man calmly replies that he and his secretary are having an affair and
that they had fallen asleep after going to her place this afternoon.
His wife looked at him very carefully and when she saw the state of his
shoes, she exclaimed: "You liar, you've been FISHING!"
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An Irish priest loved to fly fish,
it was an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so bad
that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved waders on and his favourite
flies out of their box
Strangely though, every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course
Sunday is the day he has to go to work.
The weather forecast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a
fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu.
He asked him to take over his sermon.
The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that
no one would recognise him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and
saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed that he would do
something about it.
With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For
over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish.
At the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned out to
be a world record Salmon.
Confused the angel asked God, "Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I
thought you were going to teach him a lesson."
God replied "I did. Who do you think he's going to tell?"
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No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man.
The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden
that he would take him fishing the next day...
Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of
dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish
started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and
started picking up the fish.
The game warden looked shocked and told him that this was illegal. The man
took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the
game warden and said " are you going to fish or talk?"
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One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a
hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are
no fish down there."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the
hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the
voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the ice rink manager."
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A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two
locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
"That's what I like to see," said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
man."
As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure
doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
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I think the only reason my husband likes to go
fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him,
"Wow, that's a big one!"
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One day, two guys Joe and Bob were out fishing. A funeral service passes
over the bridge they're fishing near, and Bob takes off his hat and puts
it over his heart. He does this until the funeral service passes by.
Joe then said "Gee Bob, I didn't know you had it in you!"
Bob then replies " It's the least I could do. After all I was married to
her for 30 years."
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A young man and an old man were fishing on a pier.
The young man started telling the old one that the night before he caught
a trout that was over 3 1/2 foot long.
The old man replied "Oh yea, well I was here 2 nights ago and I hooked
something huge. After a 30 minute fight I finally got it up and it was an
old lantern and the thing was still lit."
The young man said "Your lying. I can't believe that."
Then the old man said, "I'll tell you what, you knock a couple of foot off
your trout and I'll blow out my lantern."
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While out Sports Fishing in Australia, a tourist capsized his boat. He
could swim, but his fear of crocodiles kept him clinging to the overturned
craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted:
"Are there any crocodiles around here!?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "They ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the crocs?"
"We didn't do nothin,'" the old beachcomber replied. "The Sharks got 'em."
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A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in
northern territory. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The
wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a short nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and
says, "Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious?
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write
you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you do have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
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Why Fishing is
better than Sex
1 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still
Fish.
2 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.
3 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.
4 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once
in a while.
5 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.
6 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't
have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
7 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with
long ago.
8 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
9 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel
guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
10 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object
if you Fish with someone else.
11 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by
yourself.
12 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are
really an undercover cop.
13 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighbourhood to buy
Fishing stuff.
14 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell
Fishing jokes, and invite co-workers to Fish with you without getting sued
for harassment.
15 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
16 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to
subscribe to the Playboy channel.
17 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your
life.
18 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest
in it.
19 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy
your favourite activity.
20 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last
week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"
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Please send your jokes and fun
stuff to
jim@fish-uk.com |
