house icon Home     info icon Cookie Policy

 

www.fish-uk.com fishing site logo

 

 

www.Fish-uk.com

The Website for all Anglers

 

Fishing Jokes

 

 When you have finished laughing at the fishing jokes visit the  Fishing Video's  page for more laughs

 

Send in your jokes -  email them to  jim@fish-uk.com

 

Click on a fishing joke or just scroll down through the jokes.

There are fishing jokes and a few non fishing jokes

 

Fishermans twins called .....
An Englishman was stopped by a game warden in Australia
Two Irishmen were walking down the street with two salmon
I didn't see you in church last Sunday, Nigel
"What's the biggest fish you ever caught?"
There were three preachers: a Catholic, a Baptist, and a rabbi.
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife
The manager of a small business and his secretary decided to
An Irish priest loved to fly fish
No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is
One day, two guys Joe and Bob were out fishing.
A young man and an old man were fishing on a pier.
While out Sports Fishing in Australia, a tourist capsized his boat
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort
Why Fishing is better than Sex
A young boy came to Sunday School late
Wife after returning from fishing trip with husband
A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish
An older man and his young friend had a wonderful day's fishing
The local angling club was having its annual dinner
Bloody Fluke
No Ladies Toilet
The Minnow
Stuffed Husband
Laugh I Nearly Cried
Two men were preparing to go out for a day's fishing
non-fishing. Life in the Australian Army...

 

An Englishman was stopped by a game warden in Australia recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The Englishman replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The Englishman looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
The game warden was curious now. "Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said: "Well?"
"Well, What?" the Englishman responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked

_______________________Back to Top__________________________


Two Irishmen were walking down the street with two salmon each under their arms.
Two other Irishmen walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky fishermen and ask " how did you catch those ?"
Well its like this! Michael here holds my legs over the bridge, and I grab the salmon as they swim up the river. We got four salmon A great days fishing!
So the fishless pair look at each other and agree to give it a try.
They get to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend "hold my legs now Paddy".
Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when he suddenly cries.. "pull me up, pull me up!!"
Paddy asks " do you have a fish Sean?"............
No replies Sean, "there's a bloody train coming!!!!!!!!"

_______________________Back to Top__________________________


"I didn't see you in church last Sunday, Nigel. I hear you were out playing football instead."
"That's not true, vicar. And I've got the fish to prove it!"

_______________________Back to Top__________________________


"What's the biggest fish you ever caught?"
"That would be the one that measured fourteen inches...."
"That's not so big!"
"Between the eyes?"

_______________________Back to Top__________________________

 

There were three preachers: a Catholic, a Baptist, and a rabbi. They are all fishing out in the lake when all of a sudden the Baptist has to go to the bathroom. So he gets up and walks across the water, does his business, and comes back. Then all of a sudden the rabbi has to go, so he gets up and walks across the water, does his business, and comes back.
Then the Catholic has to go, but when he gets out he falls into the water, so he swims back, gets back into the boat, looks up, and says, ''God, let me walk across the water.'' Then he tries again and falls into the water, so he swims back, tries again and he falls again.
The Baptist leans over to the rabbi and says, ''Do you think we should tell him where the stepping stones are?''

_______________________Back to Top__________________________


A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but 5 o'clock finally came around.

The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

Flabbergasted the boss asked, "How did you manage that?".

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.

I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."

_______________________Back to Top__________________________

 

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime.
We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pyjamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"
"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas."
"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box.

_______________________Back to Top__________________________

 

The manager of a small business and his secretary decided to go over to her place for some "gymnastics". Afterwards, they both fall asleep
When the manager wakes up and looks at his watch, he discovers that it is after 8 o'clock in the evening.
He jumps up in a panic wondering what he's going to say to his wife. He tells the secretary to quickly take his shoes out into the yard and rub them around in the grass. Then he finishes dressing and goes home.
When the man opens the door to the house, his wife is standing in the doorway fuming and asks him where the hell he's been until 8:30 in the evening?
The man calmly replies that he and his secretary are having an affair and that they had fallen asleep after going to her place this afternoon.
His wife looked at him very carefully and when she saw the state of his shoes, she exclaimed: "You liar, you've been FISHING!"

_______________________Back to Top__________________________

 

An Irish priest loved to fly fish, it was an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved waders on and his favourite flies out of their box
Strangely though, every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work.
The weather forecast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu. He asked him to take over his sermon.
The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognise him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed that he would do something about it.
With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon.
Confused the angel asked God, "Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson."
God replied "I did. Who do you think he's going to tell?"

_______________________Back to Top__________________________

 

No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man.
The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day...
Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish.
The game warden looked shocked and told him that this was illegal. The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said " are you going to fish or talk?"

_______________________Back to Top__________________________


One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the ice rink manager."

_______________________Back to Top__________________________



A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
"That's what I like to see," said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man."
As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."

_______________________Back to Top__________________________



I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"

_______________________Back to Top__________________________


One day, two guys Joe and Bob were out fishing. A funeral service passes over the bridge they're fishing near, and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does this until the funeral service passes by.
Joe then said "Gee Bob, I didn't know you had it in you!"
Bob then replies " It's the least I could do. After all I was married to her for 30 years."

_______________________Back to Top__________________________



A young man and an old man were fishing on a pier. The young man started telling the old one that the night before he caught a trout that was over 3 1/2 foot long.
The old man replied "Oh yea, well I was here 2 nights ago and I hooked something huge. After a 30 minute fight I finally got it up and it was an old lantern and the thing was still lit."
The young man said "Your lying. I can't believe that."
Then the old man said, "I'll tell you what, you knock a couple of foot off your trout and I'll blow out my lantern."

_______________________Back to Top__________________________



While out Sports Fishing in Australia, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of crocodiles kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted: "Are there any crocodiles around here!?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "They ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the crocs?"
"We didn't do nothin,'" the old beachcomber replied. "The Sharks got 'em."

_______________________Back to Top__________________________


A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern territory. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says, "Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious?
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you do have all the equipment."


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.

_______________________Back to Top__________________________

 

Why Fishing is better than Sex

1 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.
2 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.
3 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.
4 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
5 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.
6 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
7 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.
8 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
9 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
10 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.
11 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
12 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
13 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighbourhood to buy Fishing stuff.
14 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite co-workers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.
15 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
16 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
17 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
18 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
19 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favourite activity.
20 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

_______________________Back to Top__________________________

 

A young boy came to Sunday School late.
His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?
The boy replied, "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

_______________________Back to Top__________________________


Wife after returning from fishing trip with husband to neighbour: "I did everything all wrong again today -- I talked too much and too loud. I used the wrong bait. I reeled in too soon and I caught more than he did."
 

_______________________Back to Top__________________________


A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.
One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz
 

_______________________Back to Top__________________________



An older man and his young friend had a wonderful day's fishing. As they made their way home the older man said:
"It's been a great day." "It sure has."
"Will we go again tomorrow?"
"Well, I was going to get married but I think I can put it off."

_______________________Back to Top__________________________


The local angling club was having its annual dinner and presentation of trophies. When the members arrived they were surprised to see all the chairs spaced out two metres apart. One of them said to the caterer:
"That's a strange way to arrange seats for a party."
"We always do it like that so that members can do full justice to their fish stories."

_______________________Back to Top__________________________



Bloody Fluke
All along the pier there were fishermen hauling in fish. Among them was a young schoolboy fishing with a bent pin and a ball of string. Beside him was a fish weighing over 10 kilos. His mate came down to the pier and asked him about his catch:
"What kind offish is it, Mike?"
"I don't know, but that fellow over there told me it was a bloody fluke."

_______________________Back to Top__________________________


No Ladies Toilet
Les and his offsider, Scratch, made a nice thing out of taking tourists out fishing in their boat. One day Les told Scratch about a little problem.
"We've got this party booked for next Wednesday and they're all women. You know we've got no toilet on the boat. How the hell do we explain that to them?"
Scratch wasn't worried at all.
"There's nice ways of saying these things. Like you can use the expression 'evacuate yourself."
"Well Scratch, how'd it be if you told 'em?"
On the Wednesday morning Les and Scratch were briefing their female charges and Scratch announced:
"There's one other thing, ladies. We have no toilet aboard so if you want to evacuate yourselves, you'll have to piss over the side."

_______________________Back to Top__________________________


The Minnow
I was fishing off the pier here one time when a little minnow about the size of your finger grabbed onto the hook. Next a big cod came and grabbed hold of the minnow.
Then, just as I was reeling in the cod, a big shark came and fastened onto it."
"Did you land the shark?"
"No. The bloody minnow let go."

_______________________Back to Top__________________________


Stuffed Husband
The women at the bridge party were all admiring a huge stuffed shark mounted over the mantelpiece. Their hostess smiled proudly:
"My husband and I caught that on a deep-sea fishing trip."
"What's its stuffed with?"
"My husband."

_______________________Back to Top__________________________


Laugh I Nearly Cried
Young David came home crying his eyes out. His mother asked him:
"What's the matter?"
"Dad and I were fishing and he hooked a really big one. Then, when he was reeling it in, the line snapped and it got away."
"Well, a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about a thing like that. You should have laughed." David wailed the louder.
"That's what I did."

_______________________Back to Top__________________________
 

Two men were preparing to go out for a day's fishing on the bay. While one of them got the boat ready, the other went to his friend's house to pick up the bait that had been left on the veranda.
While he was there he saw a man in bed with his friend's wife. Back at the boat he announced that he had some bad news, and said what he had seen. His friend took it calmly:
"Gee you had me worried then. I was afraid you were going to say you'd lost the bait"

_______________________Back to Top__________________________




Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.


Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

_______________________Back to Top__________________________

 

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that you learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw him again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got - Away...."

 

Please send your jokes and fun stuff to jim@fish-uk.com

 

 

 

About Fish-uk.com  |  Contact us  |  Advertising  |  Terms & Conditions  Privacy Policy  |  Comments  |  Links  |  Sitemap

 

By using this website you agree to the Terms & Conditions of www.fish-uk.com

Copyright © 2007  www.fish-uk.com All rights reserved